* Sounds of explosions *

«Dear Ukrainians. This morning, President Putin announced the start of a special military operation in the Donbas. Russia has launched strikes on our military infrastructure, border guards, and detachments. Explosions were heard in western cities of Ukraine. We are introducing martial law on the entire territory of our state. A minute ago, I had a conversation with President Biden. The United States has already begun to rally international support.

Today, each of you needs peace of mind. If possible, stay at home. We’re working. The army is working. The entire security and defence sector of Ukraine is working. I, the National Security and Defense Council of Ukraine, and the Cabinet of Ministers of Ukraine will always be in touch with you. I will contact you again soon. Don’t panic. We are strong. We will defeat everyone. Because we are Ukraine. Glory to Ukraine”

In February, we ran a podcast about the war and had no idea what would happen in a few days. Its second episode was supposed to be about hate speech. About the fact that generalisation and dehumanisation are evil, and they should be avoided. But now, our country and people are at the Epicentre hypermarket of the hot phase of a full-scale Russo-Ukrainian war. And every day, we see and hear so many unbearably terrible, bitter and unfair stories that I don’t see any way to stay with a cool head. I have no moral right or willpower to defend balance and tolerance in front of my fellow citizens. All of this just won’t work right now. I will always stand for the necessity to remain human and show humanity even to my enemy, foremost to them. Otherwise, I’ll turn into the same monster. But the thing is, to show humanity, you must first survive: both physically and mentally. For each of us, this is a priority task. Each of us uses the protective mechanisms that save us here and now and is sometimes very dubious in peaceful life.

This episode will be about something else. “Day D” is what the military calls the day of the beginning of a military operation. We asked everyone who would like and has the opportunity to share their story. Tell us how they found out that Russia launched the war. First thoughts, fears, actions, calls, and correspondence with relatives and distant ones. The morning of February 24 changed the lives of each of us forever. So, this experience is personal and collective, really super important and, without exaggeration, priceless. My name is Aliona Savchuk, and this is the Dirt And Blood podcast.

***

Hello. My name is Roma Huba, and before the war started, I had been returning home late at night and met a man in the Kyiv Metro who was my editor in Sloviansk during the events of 2014. I hadn’t seen her in a few years and had just met her on the subway. I told my friend about it, and she said it was a bad sign.

I don’t believe in signs, but I came home at night: I listened to Zelenskyi’s last pre-war speech, where he also spoke in Russian and addressed the Russians. And I set the alarm for 5 am because there was information on the news that the war could start at 5 am. I woke up at 5 am, and a few minutes later, the war started.

***

The day before the Russian attack on Ukraine, I had a long-awaited day off. Before that, I worked ten days of 12-hour shifts. I made a choice that day. The first option was to spend it the way I wanted. That last peaceful day. I knew it would be an extremely calm day before the start of the Great War. The second option was to prepare for this war. I had to buy some medicines in my emergency grab bag and buy food, so there would be more of it than we already had in the apartment. So, I decided that I wanted to spend that last peaceful day before the big fight at home, watching the show. I wanted to eat some absolutely harmful and delicious food, laugh and think that day only about a carefree life.

I couldn’t sleep until four o’clock. I felt that this night would begin something terrible and big. And I watched the show all the time, trying to distract myself. Not trying to think “right now” every minute or update all the news feeds. And from fatigue, already from the desire to sleep, I passed out at about four o’clock. But I woke up again at 5:10 because of the explosions.

***

I remember very well the morning of the 24th because the night before was very disturbing. I left the Silpo supermarket, and the prediction on the receipt said that guests might come at night. I laughed at it and sent it to my sister. And she said to me: “God, throw out this check. We don’t need any guests.” It seems that at that moment we were thinking about the same people. We were thinking about the same events, although nothing so clearly predicted that in a few hours, my sister would become the person who woke me up with the phrase: “Please open the news. It has started.” I knew exactly what I would see in the notifications at that moment, but I hoped otherwise. I opened the Telegram and read: “Mykolaiv was shelled. Kyiv was shelled”…

***

My name is Nastia. I am from Kropyvnytskyi. I am 31 years old. With all this disturbing news, it was as if I understood that something was going to happen. Like everyone, I read something, somehow prepared, and made copies of documents, but I kept waiting for nothing to happen.

The day before, I bought two boxes of candy at a discount. For some reason I wanted, I wanted to stock up on them, take a bath, and complain to my friends about the noisy neighbours from upstairs. I had been living in my flat for two months. I hadn’t gotten acquainted with the neighbours yet and hadn’t equipped the apartment yet. I thought about what wardrobes and furniture to put at home. I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on February 24 because of the sound of military aircraft. Near the city was an army airfield; the sound was familiar to me from childhood. But in addition, the apartment faces a noisy street, and I thought: “Here you are a fool. It’s probably just a truck passed by, and you are so screwed up that you can hear planes.” At that moment, my dad called and said that the war had begun and that Kyiv was being bombed.

***

Hello. My name is Lena, and I’m from Kyiv. I had been dreaming about this war for almost two months. On February 24, at 5 am, I heard an explosion, and it seemed to me that it was a dream. So, I went on to bed. Then I woke up at 7 a.m. I was supposed to go to the office and record a webinar. I saw a message from two friends. A friend wrote to me: Where are you? Come to us. They lived near Kyiv, the same place as mine, in Vyshneve. And another friend from the Netherlands asked what was going on. And then I realised that the war had begun. 

***

“I have decided to conduct a special military operation. Its goal is to protect people who have been exposed to acts of genocide by the Kyiv regime for eight years. And to achieve this, we will strive for the demilitarisation and denationalisation of Ukraine. As well as bringing to court those who have committed numerous bloody crimes against civilians, including citizens of the Russian Federation.”

***

At that moment, horror seized me. Probably similar to the horror of those people who woke up in the Second World War, not from birdsong or something like that, but from the fact that bombs were dropped on them. I was terrified and started crying a little. I didn’t control my body. My body, my teeth, and my hands trembled. The man said, “quickly hide in a place more or less hidden from the windows.” I immediately started writing to the chats that I had. And everyone immediately began to respond. That is, everyone woke up. Explosions were heard in all districts of Kharkiv.  My husband said to collect bags with the most necessary things. Little by little, I could control my body because my hands were shaking. Finally, my teeth were shaking, and I disobeyed myself. My brain had already calmed down and started to accept the situation. It began to work as usual, but my body didn’t. Then I overcame it and began collecting the most necessary things in a backpack and a suitcase. While I was sitting, packing, sitting, packing, sitting. And I wrote to my chats so that we, me and my loved ones, all those I love, could calm each other down, my husband went to buy fuel, also to buy food, and so that we could get ready and leave the city. 

There was a considerable sense of dissonance. The sun was shining outside. The sky was blue. The weather was very nice, and the people outside looked like they didn’t have any panic. And at the same time, there were also people on the street rushing with packages, getting into a car and driving out of the city. That was the whole dissonance. It looked bizarre.

***

I remember what I was thinking at that moment. I went, got a glass of water, drank water, stood and looked out the window. I could see the Right Bank of Kyiv, a bit of the Paton Bridge and the biggest flag in the district. I watched and thought only one thing: “Of course, it was as if I was preparing for the fact that the war would start, but damn, it’s a shame that it started. How much I liked my so cool, so interesting, and so busy life. What a shame that now it will be completely crossed out.”

 ***

The first thing I did was take out my phone, and the first news on the Telegram channel was that Putin had started a war. Apparently, I had a block for a while because I mechanically collected some things, documents, and money, and put on lenses. We left the house at 6 with a neighbour. I didn’t understand where we were going, why and what was going on. I tried to joke about something and just painfully updated the news feed. We came to the subway. We lived at the Heroes of Dnipro city station, literally in 10 minutes from there. It was quiet there. Next to the subway, the woman placed boxes to sell vegetables and fruits, as always. And it didn’t make it clear that something was going on. What? The war? It can’t be so. That’s not true. And all day, all that Thursday, it was a constant scrolling of the newsfeed, reading the news again and again and discussing what to do. Well, like, what to do. Apparently, at 12 o’clock in the afternoon, I had my first hysteria. I was crying. I couldn’t just stop. Therefore, it also seemed like some kind of surrealism. The year 2022. We lived in a civilized world. We were one of the most developed countries (blah-blah). We had countless opportunities. We were a European country. Furthermore, we were moving towards something better and war, well, that is, war, a real war with tanks, armoured personnel carriers, shelling, explosions… How was that possible? It didn’t work out for me. It seemed surreal and probably a few days after that. 

***

I heard my mother calling my relatives. I have cousins in Russia, my mother’s nieces. When she called them and said, “Hi, we’re being bombed, maybe we’ll never hear from you again,” and then hung up. They called back, cried, and said that they were also worried, that it was a shock for them, and that there was nothing they could do about it. 

Then there was a day when I couldn’t even remember any details other than that awakening. I remember my hands shaking. And that I didn’t know how to explain it. At 4 o’clock, I started crying for the first time.

I just felt sorry for myself. I felt sorry for them, for the fact that I was only 2 months in my house and why it was all for us. Why was it necessary to spend that love experience and effort on choosing the colour of the walls and some details, and whether it would be needed at all? I began to worry that I didn’t meet someone, who I was supposed to meet because I had some business and other activities. I started calling my relatives.

***

I was home. I left my room, and my mom wasn’t sleeping anymore. She already knew what had happened. My whole body was shaking, but I knew that it was necessary and vital to remain calm. And my mother was also anxious, but calm. But the most difficult moment was when my sister was just hysterical. She didn’t live with us, but she had a hysteria that we could hear on the phone. She asked us to get ready quickly, that we were leaving right then, and she just didn’t hear anything but that. She had one task: she needed to go. We said we couldn’t go with her. But she just didn’t hear us at all. It was tough to hear her in such a state.

***

My boyfriend was on duty at the time. He worked as a lifeguard. I immediately started calling him, telling him in a trembling voice that the war had started, and I heard explosions. He was asleep then. He didn’t hear anything and tried to calm me down by saying that those explosions were very far away, and maybe it was some of our air defence systems or our military working. But I was 100% sure. After that, I called my mother. And then I broke down. My voice started to fade, and I began to lack letters that would form words. And words that would add up to sentences. I was terrified. And very difficult to tell my mom I was not going home. I was not going to safety.

I started crying and packing. Make up the final documents, medicines, and food. I did it quickly, dressed in all the most comfortable and warm things. And I just went downstairs because we live on a high floor, which was dangerous for me. I thought it would be dangerous for me to stay in the flat. I went down and saw a bunch of people coming out of the house with things, suitcases, bags, and children. They got out and got in their cars, and drove away. It was seven in the morning. People were driving and there was a huge traffic jam on the street to the nearest gas station, and from the gas station to the exit from the city. They were all running away, and I also really wanted to run away. I was standing with those things on the first floor, and during that hour, while I was standing there, and perhaps more, an infinite number of people passed by me, who got out and drove, got into cars and went when cars arrived for them. I was so scared.

***

Each of us had to choose that morning to go to the countryside, far away, or stay in place and strengthen our positions.

***

In the morning, traffic jams at the exit from Kyiv paralysed that particular exit: in particular, these were the directions to Zhytomyr and Bila Tserkva. The Stolychne and Hostomelske highways were blocked.

***

It seemed to me that I was making some huge mistake, and in just a few hours, I would not even be able to get out of Kyiv. But I knew for sure that I wouldn’t leave here on my own. I was not leaving here without my husband. And he was not going because his duty was to save people, and he couldn’t leave here  As he was sure he was needed here.

I sat there for about an hour, maybe two, on the first floor of the house entrance. I saw the concierge, whom I greeted every day in the house, closing her room and saying that she was leaving. She told me where she had left the keys to the shelter. I had seen people write on social networks and ask for a ride, drop them off, or pick them up somewhere.

***

Then we left, then there were very long queues everywhere. There were long lines at the ATM. We separated, waited, and stood in line at the ATM for a very long time, two and a half hours. The guy was waiting in line for fuel. We didn’t have any fuel—two and a half hours. And I remember how at that time, at that moment, we were still deciding with Bohdan, my friend, what to do. We were standing in line at an ATM, and we were like, “Well, they hit military facilities, that’s it, it’s going to end now. Now they can’t go there for the civilian population and so on.” That’s it, they scared us, and the panic was over. At that time, there were crazy queues at the Kyiv exit in Zhytomyr’s direction. We had seen and published many videos, photos, and stories.

***

At 7-10 a.m., we were already at the gas station. Petrol has risen in price by 10 UAH. In the first part of the day, we stopped at the store and took a loaf of bread and a bottle of oil. There were relatively few people. The MONO credit card didn’t work at the checkout. My mother offered to pay in cash, but I refused. I understood that the credit funds were frozen. I did some card fraud, and I paid for it! And so many people were coming that more than twenty people were already at each checkout! We arrived at the house at 7:45. I began to sort out my things, and I took all the best – a new tracksuit, white sneakers, and white socks. I understood that with those things, if anything happened, I would go to the vault. And only at that moment, a clear awareness has come — it was a war! Russia has launched a full-scale invasion of the territory of independent Ukraine!

***

Until recently, we had a hope that the sky would not be closed immediately as if there were some papers to sign as if some deputies should come, and they would wake up, and we were confident that everything was OK. We just needed to hold out for literally three hours, and we would fly out, and everything would be fine with us! And at the same time, we went to Telegram and saw many reports that explosions could be heard in all cities of Ukraine – not even in all districts of Kyiv – but just everywhere! We saw Putin’s video speech, and I remembered that moment when I thought it was all a dream! Otherwise, how? This was not possible! It was just some rubbish! 

And we were going to the airport. It wasn’t really the most brilliant idea because it’s a strategic facility where missiles were flying, and we were trying to get there, but we just had a strong feeling that everything would be fine. We just had to leave here somehow, and everything would be OK. There were no reports of sky closures or airports being closed. We arrived and saw that there were cars parked. We almost came to the airport, where we met a security guard saying: “Where are you going?»

And then we realized that the airport had been evacuated. All flights were cancelled. 

And we understood that we didn’t have a plan. Our only plan was to fly out and, if anything, stay in Europe.

***

My first thoughts were, I would say that there was not a single specific opinion. It was a maelstrom of thoughts. At the same time, they were sometimes strange, primitive and panicked. I would die with dirty hair. I didn’t have time to finish the picture on the numbers, but I wanted so much. I ended up writing to a guy. We didn’t have an excellent conversation last time. I didn’t have a very complete story from the school times with him. And to whom I was too hard sometimes. And I created an SMS for him, but hadn’t sent him yet. But I would. I wanted him to know.

I immediately grabbed my wallet, but not because of the money. There was a special section where I hid all sorts of small notes, the Silpo supermarket’s predictions, my grandfather’s list, which he had written when my mother and I went to the summer house, which is located near Hostomel, by the way, and where he asked us to cut raspberries and do something else. These were essential things for me, which I hid in my wallet, and this wallet was precious for me at such moments.

***

Afterwards, all morning I thought about the flowers I had just managed to grow. I was thinking about my collection of art books left in the flat. I even wanted to take one of them. It was about Ukrainian carpets. And this was my favourite art book in general. And I spent the whole morning thinking that I hadn’t packed an emergency grab bag for myself the day before, even though I had actually packed dozens of such bags for other people. 

***

I started packing up my things and couldn’t figure out what to take! I didn’t pack an emergency grab bag because I didn’t believe it could be helpful! I took my embroidered shirts, antique jewellery, a few books, and skin care products. And we ran! We wanted to withdraw money. There were already crazy queues at ATMs everywhere. We came to the wrong bus station. We were driving, and the taxi driver said that he had not believed that this was a real war and calmly remained to earn money. I couldn’t understand why people were panicking so much.

***

There were quite a few things in my life that I thought I could divide life into before and after, but that morning, February 24, 2022, really changed my whole life. I had to leave the only place I felt at home. I lost my entire family a few years ago. And it was the only place where everything I loved was stored. I just have two backpacks with me right now and my plush toys, without which I just can’t sleep. These are the only things that allow me to sleep — and that’s it.

The first day, the first night, we spent in the subway with a neighbour. We have a secure hallway in the flat, but I just didn’t understand how we could sleep there. It seemed to me that something was bound to happen. Even though the Obolon district was basically quiet throughout the day, it seemed to me that something was bound to happen. So, we went to the subway. 

It was cold and uncomfortable. I realised that I didn’t know how to live in extreme conditions. But, apparently, the environment, the fact that there were many people. There were people with pets, dogs, and cats. There were many families with children, which somehow made me calm down a little. You understand that you are not alone, that all these people are with you, that they are also like you, are also afraid. And this allowed us, perhaps, to calm down at least a little and try to accept the new reality.

***

Since I live in Amsterdam, I couldn’t hear sirens or anything like that. But the very fact that at 5 am, I started receiving messages with some kind of broken heart or apologies. And so far, nothing from my parents. And the first thing I did was I texted my parents to find out if they were okay. They asked me if I was okay. Of course, I caught this effect called survivor syndrome. Since I’m far away, of course, I’m safe. What about them?

And it was an extraordinary day because on this very day, February 24, I was moving with my boyfriend to a new flat. Our whole flat was packed in boxes, and nine loaders came for them. And I thought, God, what difference does it make: I’m on boxes, and probably numerous people are on boxes now, too, but in completely, entirely different circumstances.

I moved my documents there before the main move. And before this main move, I moved my Ukrainian flag there. And I saw in the chat of Ukrainians in Amsterdam that at 12 p.m. there would be a protest on the square. I told my partner that I wouldn’t go to the Dam without a flag, and I went to the other end of the city for a flag. I have a small one like they put on the table. So, I went straight to Dam Square. There were 100-150 people. And we sang the national anthem, which seemed surreal, just like the Maidan protest with a little buzz and singing the national anthem. And then there will be escalations. I am convinced there’ll be something terrible. There will be victims, but not so massive as we have now. So, I spent 24 days in a downpour, shouting “Putin-huilo”, explaining to the Dutch how it translates and what it means.

***

My name is Anton. I am from Donetsk, but I have lived in Brussels for almost eight years. On February 23, I went to bed very late, and it was nearly three o’clock. I’ve been surfing both Facebook and Twitter for a very long time. And to be honest, I don’t remember going to bed. I’ve destroyed my normal sleep and wake schedule in the last few days. And theoretically, I’m already used to waking up quite late. I work from home, so I don’t have to rush to the office in the morning. I always sleep with Aeroplane Mode turned on, so I have no messages or calls there at all. And I woke up around 8:45 a.m. Brussels time. That is, it was already 9:45 a.m. in Kyiv. I found the phone somewhere under my pillow. And when I set a regular mode on my phone, with Wi-Fi and communications enabled, I started receiving insane messages. And instantly, my friend started calling me. I don’t even remember what he used, either Telegram or Facebook Messenger. This friend is from Chernihiv but has been living in the Netherlands, in The Hague, for many years. And he began to talk about all the events. As if an average person should already know everything, right? And I listened to him, and with every next word, I understood more and more that there was a war going on. In fact, I couldn’t even respond to him. I mumbled something incomprehensible and couldn’t say any separate words. Because I was a little… not even a little, but specifically ashamed that I woke up so late, and I didn’t know anything that there was a war going on. And he has already talked about some typical things for him: airports were bombed all over the country, not just somewhere in the East or the North. It was the same in the West and South. And I listened to his words, so he probably thought I knew everything, but he spoke to me as a sane, average person.

After that, I tried to picture everything for myself in general, what Ukraine looked like, what was burning and where. I didn’t say much to him during the entire conversation. And some questions he asked me, something about my family, and I couldn’t answer that because I don’t even remember what I answered at all. I tried to finish this conversation as quickly as possible. And so, when it was over, I immediately started texting my dad, mom, and brother. My parents still live in Donetsk, and my brother lives near Kyiv. That’s about how I found out how the war started.

***

No one will be able to convince or force us, Ukrainians, to give up our freedom, independence, and sovereignty. It was not Ukraine that chose the path of war. But Ukraine offers to return to the way to peace. 

***

It seems to me that everyone says that it is impossible to prepare for war, and probably it is so. But now it seems to be the 6th day, and not a single day since the beginning of this war has left the idea that I was still preparing for it. No matter how scary it may sound.

I had a backpack. I made all the backups of information. I collected all the most valuable things. I went to visit relatives in Chernihiv. I helped them pack their backpacks. I withdrew money and paid all utility bills, signed all the acts of work performed and completed all the tasks I had.

I still can’t understand that this is a war, for the scenario of which we were all somehow prepared. It seems to me that this is absolutely absurd. Everyone said that it could not be that war was set for a certain date. It must come suddenly. Others said this could not happen because publishing offensive maps or all your plans was somehow strange. Such a thing would never have happened. But it turned out that this is what happened. It turned out that in the 21st century, people can understand a little in advance that war will happen to them. But you can’t be sure what is right to do. In fact, there is probably no single answer about what is right and wrong during the war.

***

It seems to me that on February 24, there was some moment of such strong denial that I did not really understand what was happening. I wanted to believe it would just pass the next day, but it didn’t happen. This was the day I realised that I know so many wonderful people in Ukraine and friends of Ukraine. They support us. Therefore, although that day was certainly not the first day of the war because there was such a massive offensive. In fact, it was the 2930th or 20th day because the war began in 2014, of course. I understand that it was actually a day when it was significant to realise who you are and who you stand for. And the boxes are unpacked somehow.

I believe that many calm and peaceful people still go to the Tatarka mountain. They will come to my native Solomianka to the building that was hit by a shell. I was born in a maternity hospital, which is two houses away from that one on Lobanovskyi Avenue. And we will celebrate our victory again.

***

We wake up, and the day passes like this: you don’t know what will happen in a minute, what will happen in an hour, in a few hours, or tomorrow. The days just pass, and you don’t know what will happen tomorrow. You know that there will surely be a victory, that it will eventually happen. Some long-awaited things will come, but it is clear that this is such a heavy structure that everything will not end only with the victory of Ukraine. That’s it. The world will no longer be the same as it used to be. The world order cannot but change after all this. It will never be like before. Never. Neither in Ukraine nor around the world. Nothing will ever be the same again. And it will last for years. And this understanding is a little burdensome and, at the same time, prepares us for an engaging, unpredictable future if it comes for each of us.

***

The first day, the first morning, was hard, and the body was adapting to stress. But we lived it as good as we could. And all this will stay with us forever from now on. And now I think there’s a D-Day, and there’s still a day when it’s all over. I am sure that this will end with our victory. Glory to Ukraine. 

***

There is no doubt that we will finally win this war. There is no doubt. But I’m more concerned now about what we have to do after, after winning. How we should make our people happy. The first days after the victory will be spent in euphoria, and then it will be necessary to restore everything around. But rebuild it so that everyone is comfortable. Both children and adults. Both in rural areas and in the cities. Everywhere.

***

More than a month has passed since that day. Although over time, it feels like years. The fear and panic of the first hours and days have passed. The euphoria of surviving the first few weeks has passed. There have been many terrible and beautiful events that do not yet have enough time or energy to comprehend. But there is still a lot of work ahead. Everyone has their front. Our entire team and I have no doubts that Ukraine will survive and win. Everyone just needs to do their part and stay afloat.